It's A Thin Line Between Love & Hate

If you have been reading my blog, you briefly know about this retarded man I have let into my life and unfortunately now I can't get him out. I hate the term "baby's daddy" but I guess that's what he is. For the sake of this blog I will address him as "Thorne". So Thorne came over last night to visit his son. He claims I'm spoiling him but our son is only a month old (or he will be tomorrow) and seeing that I spend every day and night with him does he not expect that attachment to be there? That's besides the point, I found myself staring at Thorne and just feeling nothing but disappointment as I reflect over our current circumstances. I'm struggling to hold it together - I don't get a break from my new role as a mother and I've given up everything just to make the best choice for my baby's future. No drinking, no smoking, no recreational drugs while this dumbass get to play family man when he visits then goes back to do all that he wants with another girl in his bed. As I said before, I know I'm partly to blame for my situation but I'm trying to make things easier for him by being understanding and just telling him we'll take things day by day. Why the fuck should I be considerate of him? I'm the one on the hard side of this situation. I'm the one taking care of your child day and night while you're galvanting on.



These are the things that drive girls to that crazy state of mind. I always heard stories about from my guy friends about their own "baby's mama drama". I wondered why these girls were so crazy.... what brought them to this point to where they would go overboard? Why create this demented persona of yourself? Although some might already be wacky, others have the "asshole by nature" boyfriend to thank for their antics. Fellas, girls live off of emotion and if you break them down you will find yourself strattling that thin line between love and hate.

Stuck on Stupid

So I reflecting back on where I went wrong - and please feel free to chime in if you want - but I'm confused on what I'm really supposed to be doing. If I play just the friend role, I get these losers who give me the dumb excuses that "You're like one of the boys" or "I don't want to lose you as a friend if things go wrong". If there's true appreciation for my friendship that's great but like I said it sounds like a sad ass justification. Wouldn't you want to start off as friends first anyways? Isn't that how we learn about each other? Whether we can even tolerate each other? Let me know if that's not how it goes. Come with me while I explore the world of "loserville"....

I had a a guy friend (let's name him "Hunt") that I first encountered at a party a couple of years ago. He wasn't that cute, had these bigs ears that reminded me of Dumbo but I'm never one to judge people by just looks - plus he decided to corner me right when I came out of the bathroom so there was no escaping him. We exchange numbers and dated for a month or so. He claims that he just knew I was the woman he was going to marry on our first date. In the end, he changed his tune and the excuse became "I'm just scared your going to hurt me. Your so pretty. I just do think I deserve you. You're too good for me." So basically what you're saying is that I'm stupid for being with you? I must be dumb for giving you a chance? What kind of bullshit are you trying to sell me?

I'll let him make it and call it quits but every couple of months he resurfaces. I've given him 2nd, 3rd, even 4th chances. Unfortunately, the excuse never changed. What about me made you think that I was just waiting for the right time bring you some pain? Just because you've wronged your share of girls does not me that karma comes in the form of Jordana? Finally, enough is enough. I had to tell him to GROW THE FUCK UP(pardon my language - I'm getting a little heated just thinking about it.) If you're just not that into me then say so. Otherwise, stop wasting my time and let me move on to the next.

It's these type of retarted encounters that have me re-evaluating what I'm doing wrong.

I'm a Home Wrecker

Let's get straight to the point. I woke up this morning and just realized I'm a home wrecker and a fool. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart back in 2001. When we first started dating he had a girlfriend that I didn't know about for the first six months. (Ignorance is not bliss!) By the time I found out about her I was already hooked and kept dating him for the next two years. II convinced myself that we were meant to be together since we spent everyday together. I had no clue when this other girlfriend got her quality time in. She finally found out - this was the first home I wrecked. Unfortunately, it was time for me to go off to college so we called it quits and went our separate ways.

Every trip home for the next three years, I would reconnect with him for a little "hanky panky". When I moved back home I found out he had began another relationship - but that never stopped us. Once again, I found myself still drawn in to this man telling me how much he cared and loved me. Despite the fact that him and his girlfriend have been cohabitating, I doubt this girl would have ever discovered his cheating ways but I ended up pregnant. He breaks the news to her and they break up - another home wrecked. Because they are currently under a lease, I try to be understanding (I mean we are in a recession). I tell him to go ahead and finish out the lease and then we'll figure out where our relationship goes. We start making plans for when that time comes - putting our money together, picking out a new place to move into, planning for our new baby boy. We started spending everyday together and each day is filled with I love yous back and forth.

So lets fast forward to now - June 2009, my son is three weeks old and this man has the nerve to tell me that he's not sure things are over between him and his ex. I do understand that I played the "ho" in all of this but why is it so easy for guys to play girls for the fool? I didn't pursue this man and it's not my job to look out for the other woman - that's his job to have respect for his relationship, right? I feel like I'm caught up in a real life soap opera or starring in some season of the real world.